A Losing Battle

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Day 238

A light bulb went on in my head the first time coke hit my brain; I remember everything about the moment like a lost lover finding their soul mate.   Someone handed me a bullet in a crowded club in New York City.  It was NYE, 2007.

“Sniff this,” they said over the pounding mass of inaudible music.

“Okay,” I yelled back without thinking twice.

It was instant elation, like everything lit up and slowed down at the same time. The club transformed from a confined, sweaty, claustrophobic hell into good beats, pretty lights, and a dance floor; there was no pushing or shoving as I moved my way through the crowd with a confidence I’d never had before.  Cigarettes tasted amazing.  Alcohol felt hydrating and the drinks could keep coming all night without a worry of typical stumbling sloppiness.

The first time I heard about addicts “chasing the first high,” aka the perpetual return to a substance hoping to duplicate the same euphoric experience, I realized that cocaine wasn’t the same after that New Years night, and never once in the following six years.  It’s a chase that every addict will lose, and it’s hard to stop running.

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3 thoughts on “A Losing Battle

  1. annaunedited says:

    It always blows my mind how similar these experiences can be between people — for the most part, we’re mentally complex creatures, but toss some powerful drugs into the mix and… Biology is always the lowest common denominator.

  2. good2begone says:

    I chased the dragon for many years. Never caught him….congrats on 238.

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