I wrote this last night…not exactly my most inspirational shit.
I want to live in a world where if I wake up in a good mood, I have the right to retain that positive condition for the duration of my day. Let’s take this morning, for example; woke up thrilled to be alive. Before the day even started there was prayer, meditation; I almost skipped out of the house leaving flower petals in my path, like a friggin Disney princess.
Fast forward to tonight. Here I am sitting at my kitchen table positively apoplectic at nothing and everything, with a ‘tude that’ll probably land me on Isolation Island. Isolation Island is the place I refer to when I shut down. Kind of like the government, only they’ll be bullheaded idiots forever. Anyway…. I digress. Back to hating myself and everyone involved.
For me nothing is more annoying than someone trying to take my bad mood away–sounds childish, I know, but maybe isolating myself just to feel the shittiness of a situation is what helps most. I feel an extreme loathing toward AA right now, and AA is always talking about feeling feelings, and this is what I’m feeling. AA is also always talking about bullshit that makes me want to bang my head against every door of the church on my way out, which I came close to doing this evening.
The topic for discussion was willingness. What a stupid fucking topic. I wanted to share and say to the leader,
“Hey lady, our asses are glued to these foldout chairs aren’t they? These moronic made chairs that are physically impossible to sit comfortably on? If we weren’t willing, why else would we subject ourselves to this torture chamber? And why are you talking to a room of willing people about willingness? Why not go to a bar, find the alcoholics still drinking, and talk to those messes about getting their shit together.” The speaker is someone I actually respect so I held my tongue.
When the discussion closed I bolted down the staircase before the ceremonial recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. I didn’t put my chair away, either, I wonder if that’s double whammy AA blasphemy. To be on the safe side I apologized to my HP as I power-walked through the parking lot.
I’m not sure at what point today or tonight my good mood started checking out but I can pinpoint where it was totally annihilated. It wasn’t when I had to shell out $660 to a tax collector agency; (for a drunk accident last year, I tripped over a boat…different story), it wasn’t the stupid fucking topic, it was a casual drive through town that has sent me over the edge.
There’s a little Italian restaurant near my house where my friends and I would wine and dine every once in a while. I’ve passed this place over 100 times since I got sober and it’s never made my heart hurt or my anger flare like it has tonight, and it was triggered by two complete strangers and some cancer sticks.
My mind was staring blankly at the red light in front of me, numbing out from the nonsensicalness of the meeting, and the restaurant was to my right. Two men walked outside, lighting up cigarettes. That’s all it took. I am suddenly so fucking angry at my sobriety.
Cravings pass–they turn me into a ballistic fire breathing human dragon, but they pass. This isn’t about not being able to drink in the moment; it’s about not being able to drink ever. It’s feeling like I’m missing out on parts of life because of my sobriety; those parts I miss now and I’ll probably miss always. It is infuriating and depressing all at once. Seeing those men outside the restaurant has brought the consequences of sobriety to the forefront, because I used to stand outside that restaurant, with cigarettes, and friends, and have nights to get ready for. I don’t feel like I’ve been freed from a disease, I feel like I’ve been sentenced to sober hell. I do dramatic really well.
I don’t care how ridiculous it is that I miss smoking cigarettes outside a fancy restaurant, or how “first world” problematic it sounds. Trust me I know the pettiness of these “issues” in the grand scheme things, but that recognition doesn’t make my reality any less painful. I am officially in full fledge everything-is-about-me mode.
Blah blah blah, ego ego ego, insert AA jargon here. Still not listening.