“Hyperawareness,” best describes Step 6 for this alcoholic. After spending seven weeks on Steps 4 & 5 with my sponsor, I got my five character defects in return. Now I am obnoxiously cognizant and wary. Was I born with greed and attention seeking? Where does my disease start and where do I end? How interchangeable are the two? I don’t know how defects work, or whether or not as a group we alchy’s and addicts have predispositions to the same defected idiosyncrasies, but I do know which ones have been running my show. Now I just want them to stop.
I took the whole, “searching and fearless moral inventory,” thing pretty literally. I’m sure I’m searching a little too far forward and far back, which is probably why I feel like a vulnerable, exposed, creature of chaos. I feel like Medusa, actually, and all those crazy snakes that live on her head are my defects. Plus she was kinda crazy, really angry, and hideous; I feel all of these things now that Step 6 has brought such defined character flaws to the surface.
The alcoholic part of my mind tells me I was the last to know about my defects; that I’ve been a walking human deformity forever, and should be embarrassed. This new hyperawareness has my mind running in circles; when I’m loud, I wonder if it’s because I’m seeking attention or because I’m naturally a boisterous individual, when I buy something I shouldn’t, I beat the crap out of myself for being greedy. I hounded a lady today because she left her Starbucks table an absolute mess. “Are you going to clean that up?” I said more rhetorically than questioningly.
Was that my pride? Do I have to give up pride? This is what I mean by hyperaware. Yikes.
The serenity prayer says “grant me the knowledge to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” If I can figure out what those differences are, I’ll be set…