My defects of character are always one step ahead. By the time I catch up to a situation at hand, the alcoholic part of my brain has already decided how to spring into action, or isolate into oblivion. Any notions that run on defects, naturally, are not the best. A fault that hijacks my mind with the force of a Jedi night is jealousy; an emotion anyone with a steam of consciousness is familiar with.
For me, jealousy is the size of Godzilla. Maybe that’s why they call it the green monster of envy…Anyway, pre AA; there were no tools on how to harness my raging ill will. My gut reaction was to take the feeling and destroy it by belittling whomever I viewed as a threat. Unfortunately a lot of the time my first thought is still the same. Instinctively I want to judge as quickly and harshly as possible, thereby coddling my wounded ego.
Fortunately, now I know how backwards my thinking is, was, and can be. Now, something wonderful happens just before I generate a laundry list of invisible imperfections for someone…I stop.
My bat shit crazy brain comes to a halt, because I know now that the set of instructions I was following for life never worked. Judgment made me feel shameful, more alone, and dragged me further into the darkest place of my pity partying mind.
Sure, the same feeling of jealousy still bites me in the ass when someone has what I want, whether it be looks, success, family, ambition, slippers, whatever. That’s okay though, because AA has taught me that envy is just fear, and fear is something I’m learning to recognize, face, and erase.
It comes naturally to torment myself that I’ll never have what you have, I’ll never be pretty like her, or happy like him. It’s easy to judge the shit out of you, and assume that you had a leg up that I missed, and therein lies the reason you have what I don’t.
The hard part has been learning that none of those things are true. The hardest part has been finding the pause button, and following a new set of instructions.
Through powers of example and with the help of my HP, I’m learning to be truly happy for people, and it feels good. When I ask for envy to be removed, it is–I might have to ask 20 times a day, but it’s becoming easier to redirect defects.
I used to dislike for the sole purpose to make myself feel better, but now I’m doing the exact opposite and finding that is where the solution has been all along. To commend others for their success and try to help where they fall short breaks down the barrier between everyone and me. Helping others is what’s made me more confident.
The best thing about my new set of instructions (aka the steps) is that the better I get at following them; the more I have to offer.