I’m Probably Jealous of Your Blog

I WILL DESTROY YOU TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER RAAAAR

I WILL DESTROY YOU TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER RAAAAR

Day 282

My defects of character are always one step ahead.  By the time I catch up to a situation at hand, the alcoholic part of my brain has already decided how to spring into action, or isolate into oblivion.  Any notions that run on defects, naturally, are not the best.  A fault that hijacks my mind with the force of a Jedi night is jealousy; an emotion anyone with a steam of consciousness is familiar with.

For me, jealousy is the size of Godzilla.  Maybe that’s why they call it the green monster of envy…Anyway, pre AA; there were no tools on how to harness my raging ill will.  My gut reaction was to take the feeling and destroy it by belittling whomever I viewed as a threat.  Unfortunately a lot of the time my first thought is still the same.  Instinctively I want to judge as quickly and harshly as possible, thereby coddling my wounded ego.

Fortunately, now I know how backwards my thinking is, was, and can be. Now, something wonderful happens just before I generate a laundry list of invisible imperfections for someone…I stop.

My bat shit crazy brain comes to a halt, because I know now that the set of instructions I was following for life never worked.  Judgment made me feel shameful, more alone, and dragged me further into the darkest place of my pity partying mind.

Sure, the same feeling of jealousy still bites me in the ass when someone has what I want, whether it be looks, success, family, ambition, slippers, whatever. That’s okay though, because AA has taught me that envy is just fear, and fear is something I’m learning to recognize, face, and erase.

It comes naturally to torment myself that I’ll never have what you have, I’ll never be pretty like her, or happy like him. It’s easy to judge the shit out of you, and assume that you had a leg up that I missed, and therein lies the reason you have what I don’t.

The hard part has been learning that none of those things are true.  The hardest part has been finding the pause button, and following a new set of instructions.

Through powers of example and with the help of my HP, I’m learning to be truly happy for people, and it feels good.  When I ask for envy to be removed, it is–I might have to ask 20 times a day, but it’s becoming easier to redirect defects.

I used to dislike for the sole purpose to make myself feel better, but now I’m doing the exact opposite and finding that is where the solution has been all along.  To commend others for their success and try to help where they fall short breaks down the barrier between everyone and me.   Helping others is what’s made me more confident.

The best thing about my new set of instructions (aka the steps) is that the better I get at following them; the more I have to offer.

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2 thoughts on “I’m Probably Jealous of Your Blog

  1. Oh man…you got my number on this one. Next to self pity, jealousy and envy are probably next in line for my biggest character defects. I often want to take my ball and go home. pout. I love what you said about assuming everyone else had a leg up – yes! What do they have they I never had? Who do they know? How did they get where they are? Hard work?? Hurmph. No way. There is a *trick* someway in there…lol. I get that too…and yeah, sometimes I need to ask the Creator to take it away. But I have come a long way. doesn’t mean I don’t get it (see above), but for the first time in my entire life, I am actually happy for others.

    I am still not used to it.

    Like, hello – me? happy for someone? I just don’t do that…or at least I didn’t. If you were successful (and my definitions of success varied wildly), I disliked or didn’t trust you. I pushed you away. Fear, as you say, is the thing. Ego needed bolstering. I needed to be king even though deep down I felt like the court jester.

    I recently have had some sober writers do well and publish stuff and all the things I have always wanted to do, but never succeeded in. And guess what? I was actually frickin’ happy for them. Huh? I don’t do that, remember? Oh, I guess something opened up. Hmmmmm….and it’s a strange feeling. But I am getting used to it. I truly can say that I am not only ok with others doing well in things I wish i could do well in, but I am happy for them. And it’s a great thing to feel – makes me see change.

    So I am very much with you on this…and love it.

    I am glad you wrote this, as you did an amazing job on it..and I am happy for you 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

  2. Richard says:

    I doubt you are jealous of my blog. The only visitors I had were people who had done google searches for “free music downloads”.

    The degree of envy you feel is inversely proportional to your happiness with who you are. Every active alcoholic I’ve ever known was desperately unhappy with the situation they were in, quite rationally. It sucks to have your life directed by your next drink or hit and having to cope with the misery that brings to everyone around you.

    Being able to let go of envy as a driving force in your inner life is a wonderful thing and a sure sign that you’re putting your life back together. You are rediscovering what you had before addiction took it away from you. You’re taking it back.

    Well done and well said Faith.

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