Huston, We Have a Problemo.

So I’m in Argentina for my best friend’s wedding. I’ve known this girl for 19 years, and have been just as close with her family as with her; they are family, and they know how hard it’s been to get where I am.

Everything about getting here was a disaster. It was the usual airport obsticals; running late, missing mandatory papers for international travel, mistaking my seat number as my gate number, you all know the drill. The best part about the disasters was that I laughed them off! Pre-sobriety, I would have been reduced to a fit of tragic fury. This time, I marched forward with a confident “no problemo,” attitude.
A fellow alcoholic drove me to the airport and it was the best possible departure for my sobriety. We covered everything from downfalls to revival, inspiration, and Winston Churchill. When I got dropped off at the gate I was elated! Filled with love, and pure happiness radiating. You know that feeling? The one that no material possession can duplicate? That one.

The flight was hunky dory, too. I fell asleep for 9 hours, woke up, had a questionable airplane breakfast, and bam! We were landing in Buenos Aires. The air was warm, a car service with a man named Rocco was waiting at luggage claim, and with my broken Spanish and his enthusiasm we chit chatted all the way “home.” Although the driving was intense.  I couldn’t tell if Rocco was a retired race car driver, or he just didn’t care if we died.  Anyway, we got lost for an hour, and even that was a hoot. He started teaching me about Argentina, about the Provences, the President, and how much amazing steak I had to look forward to. I felt carefree and fearless for the first 24 hours.
Today things started to change. (Mom, Dad, don’t freak out.) There’s been lots of talk about the wedding, and rightfully so! That’s why I’m here! What scares me is that I’m started to feel like alcoholism is a punishment again, like I’m missing out on the fun. I’m already resentful of my disease. Why can’t I drink like a normal person…? I guess that’s the obsession of every alcoholic. It’s not that I want to be “that girl,” falling all over the dance floor; I just want to feel the weight of a filled wine glass in my hand. Is that weird? I can almost taste a cool crisp Pino.

I’ve been playing the tape in my head.  It’s no secret from my mind that a) I can’t have access to an open bar and not blackout, and b) after just two drinks, all attention would be diverted to finding blow, killing the real reason of being present and happy for my best friend. A and B are as certain as death and taxes,  yet my alcoholic Gollum inside wants to cover-up the facts.

Parts of my attitude areregressing and my defects are gaining steam, but slow enough for me to catch them.    I’m feeling more insecure and a little less humble.  However, just by saying these thoughts “outloud,” make me feel better.  A good friend of mine said at a meeting last week, “it’s not that I’m going to pick up, but that I’m even thinking about it, just for 30 seconds, scares me.”  That’s where I’m at.  I don’t feel anywhere near to a drink, but the thought of these thoughts  are still scary. Thanks for listening yo.

 

** Don’t mind the typos.  This computer speaks Spanish.

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6 thoughts on “Huston, We Have a Problemo.

  1. I love BA. I hope you enjoy it – it is like a European city in South America, yes?

    Anyway, about that thought / voice…well, all I can chalk that up to is that we’re alcohlics, and yeah, we’re gonna think about booze…lol. I don’t mean to sound glib about it, and perhaps it does sound it, but I used to have those panic moments of “oh no!! I, gasp, thought of a drink!!” and then run off to talk to my sponsor or 500 other people who are in recovery and then find out that it’s nothing really. Just a thought. Thoughts aren’t real and it’s my response to them that is the most important.

    I had a gasper of a though the other day – possibly the strongest thought I have had in almost 2 1/2 yrs. I too had a moment of “ah! I am going to relapse!!!” ha ha…then laughed it off. I knew I wasn’t going to go through it, and just did the things I do when that happens – do a bit of reading, or a quick prayer or whatever it is to shift my perspective back. Get centered. Breath. And then boom…my worry dissipated tout suite. I am not saying that it’s that easy, but I do find it easier, and the more I handle it this way, the more I am able to handle it in the future.

    it doesn’t take away from the scariness of the thought, but it takes away it’s power…if it ever had any. And yeah, I get those thoughts now and then of “why???!!” Why can’t I be “normal”?? And then I counter that with “why not?” Someone has to have this damn things, so why not me? It could be worse, i suppose. 🙂

    Have fun…glad you got there safe and sound!

    Paul

  2. Michelle says:

    This too shall pass 🙂

    I can’t wait to hear all about your trip when you come back- and this time you’ll have many clear stories to tell!

  3. haileeshay says:

    What I want to highlight is the fact that you are thinking through these things. I have times in my addiction where I choose to shut my mind off and ignore my sense.
    And I know exactly where you are coming from on the “missing out on the fun” type of feeling. I don’t think that will go away, but I bet you after the wedding when you’re still sober you will feel absolutley fantastic about yourself. I’m rooting for you! Good luck(:

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