“If you have one foot on yesterday, and one foot on tomorrow, then you’re pissing on today.”
This quote seems to be an AA favorite. I interpret it in two ways:
- Stay present.
- Both feet need to be in the program.
For the first five months of sobriety my feet were ungrounded. It was impossible to stay present; all I could think about was my directionless future, and the security of going back to where I came from. Having no idea whom the eff I was, why I was always so depressed, and whether or not I was actually an alcoholic, my thoughts were constantly neurotically ricocheting off the walls in my brain. To make things easier, (aka 1,000 times more complicated), I told lies.
I told lies to my friends in California, and said that I was in AA because it was that or a DUI; I told them I thought it was stupid and that I would be back. I told lies to my friends in Connecticut, saying I wouldn’t go to California because I knew I needed AA. Everything was a contradicting clusterf*ck. I guess the trouble was I believed all of my own bullshit, because I truly couldn’t stay put long enough to make a decision.
Indecision was killing the “today’s.” It wasn’t until I finally went with my gut, surrendered to the program, and jumped with both feet, that I began enjoying the present.