Just Keep Swimming


April 29, 2013

“I’ve been rethinking California.   I don’t want to live in fear of a bad “relationship” that I’m not even in, and I don’t want to live in fear of a drinking problem I may not have…I just want to live.

I want to make money to travel.  The ranch = funding for my passport. It’s not backwards, it’s just going back so I can move forward.”  (The ranch = the pot farm.)

Today: Day 326

The entry above was written seven months ago, at three months sober.  Reading passages like this make me smile, because I feel like I’m in on a secret that my past self didn’t know.  The writing reveals notions that were oblivious to me then; and I’m sure in months when I read this, I’ll see what’s oblivious to me now.

If I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now, I wouldn’t; the lessons I’ve learned have been hard earned.  I feel a confident sense of accomplishment reading old thoughts, like, “I need money,” or “I don’t want to live in fear.”

I was living in fear, especially of what others thought.  My insecurities were so intensely binding because everyone surely had the same opinion of myself as I did.  If I felt stupid, they thought I was stupid, too. I felt ugly, therefore everyone else saw me as ugly, too.  When I felt isolated, it was because no one was letting me in…It’s a huge relief to know that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

My fear of financial unsustainability was pretty sad, to be frank.  The amount of money in my pocket determined my worth because I couldn’t find valuation anywhere else, certainly not from my “relationship.”  The man in my life used me like a doormat and I made it easy; his negative attention was better than his indifference.  The weight of my importance was weighed by everyone but myself.

In the “grand scheme of things,” (I don’t really like that phrase) ten months can be considered the blink of an eye, but the past 10 months have been the most literal a “journey” has ever felt to me, and it’s been by physically staying in one place.

My mind, on the other hand, has come light years further.  Recently I haven’t been bound by negativity, and I’m less afraid of the “uncomfortables.” (Scientific term there). I have unguarded moments all the time, and they’re okay.  I haven’t fallen apart at change or lost my mind in monotony.  I’ve coped at the loss of life; I’ve gotten better at recognizing which lives I need to walk out of.  I respect myself by doing estimable acts.  I’ve also learned that my self-development comes most from helping other people, which is the backbone of my growth and destroying self-centeredness.

I hope the old Faith doesn’t hijack my brain, and I know it’s possible.  I’ve learned these lessons but I know I can forget as soon as tomorrow.  My recovery relies on living in faith, not fear. Staying sober means knowing that I’ll never stop learning,  that I need  to keep going to meetings, help others, ask for help, and writing down where I am on the “journey.”

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6 thoughts on “Just Keep Swimming

  1. glenn says:

    I am pretty new to your blog so forgive me for jumping right in but…

    I very much appreciate your writing and you hit a number of points in this post to which I can not only relate but am inclined to comment about.

    However, in lieu of hijacking the comment section I will convey to you this: I did some minor journaling shortly after I went dry. The journal entries were brief, concise, raw and started in July of 2012. It wasn’t too long ago that I reviewed that writing and in doing so I could see the transition of me having gone dry to me getting sober. It’s a real trip to rehash old thoughts, beliefs, doubts and preconceived notions.

    Much of what I have learned along the way is similar to what I have seen in your writing. Yours is a powerful message that I am glad to be here to read and for which I am grateful that you share.

    Thank you.

  2. This is beauriful! What an amazing journey you have had, so great and eye opening. It’s a true gift to be so aware of the changes and the growth! The important things in life and the lessons you have learned are truly inspirational. Thank you for sharing, my heart feels full!

  3. Richard says:

    You have grown, in just the couple of months I’ve been reading your blog. The first year in sobriety is always confusing because you’re learning to look at the world in a new way. It’s much easier to be a good person if your life isn’t dictated by your next drink or drug.

    Merry Christmas Faith, and remember what the angles told the shepherds – be not afraid,

  4. Your blog truly inspires me! I am learning that writing, even if it is a little bit, helps tremendously! Being a perfectionist has been my downfall and not waiting until I have a huge book of profoundness to write has been hard. (hence my still empty blog) Thanks to you and other bloggers here I have learned that brief entries are better than no entries. Some days all I can muster is a thank you to God for helping me! I look forward to your posts and have started reading your past ones as well. Thank you!!

  5. belovelycoda says:

    Wow, what an excellent read. I’m new to the blogging community here and just by reading your words I’m pretty thrilled to be a part of it. I’m about 1.5 years sober and actually starting to tackle some codependency issues, which is what my blog is centered around. But man, a lot of the same themes. It’s so cool to hear that you’re doing so well at ten months!! I was barely starting to become aware that I had a brain at that point, I think. LOL. But really, seriously enjoyed the post and looking forward to hearing more for you!

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