(Wrote the first half of this yesterday)
February 14, 2014
One year ago today I woke to find that my dog shit all over the house. So, at 6-ish-A.M. on Valentines Day 2013, at whatever cold-degree-Fahrenheit it was, at 14 days sober, I stood on my deck in my glow-in-the-dark Scooby Doo pajama pants and tossed anything poop infested overboard onto the lawn below.
“Exact day” landmarks make me extra introspective; it’s like flipping to a page in my mental biography where feelings still fester…fester isn’t the right word, actually. The bookmarks aren’t open wounds, but the rawness is certainly accessible.
That morning last year I remember feeling lonely, lowly, and fat from eating about two dozen chocolate covered strawberries. Sure, the literal shit-show didn’t help, but the real shit storm was raging in between my ears; the world was out to get me, and no one cared enough to throw on some shining armor and save the day. (Boo-hoo.) So I went to a morning meeting to “restart” my mood, and the topic was God. I hated that topic.
Enraged, I stormed out leaving resentment in my wake, cursing the G-word and all the bible bangers involved. At noon I went to another meeting, since the morning topic had me leaving in a worse mood than when I arrived. The topic was God. At the third meeting I went to in a different town, the topic was God. All I saw at that point was red.
Tonight, one year later, same hospital, the topic was God. In my new state of mind, however, the concept is completely different.
“I think it’s so cool how our higher powers get to be of our own.” Someone shared; and that makes sense to me now—because my understanding has changed and that’s how it’s different.. No one else needs to rely on my higher power and I don’t need to rely on anyone else’s. Of all the suggestions I’ve gotten in AA, not ONE has been what my higher power “should be.”
People often say, “my higher power, who I chose to call God,….” and that doesn’t irk me anymore, either. Call it whatever you want! My names vary; Mother Nature, Universe, Great Spirit, Higher Power, Grandpa (sometimes I pray to those who are deceased.) I could call my HP Harry Potter if I wanted to, and sometimes I do just for shits ‘n giggles.
Maybe the next time I lead a meeting I’ll say that the topic is Harry Potter….that should get the newcomers coming back!