The leaves are falling like multicolored raindrops, pumpkins are perched on porches, and that candy-corn crap that tastes like chalk is on sale; all telltale signs of October, yet I woke up this morning having no idea what month we’re in. I mean I really had to think, which was initially unsettling. Aren’t I supposed to be restoring my sanity, not losing it?
It turns out there is a simple explanation; time flies. What a relief, I’m not crazy…okay I am a little crazy, but this sensation is normal; it’s just something I have not experienced in a very long time. My life is full again and it’s moving faster than that starship in Star Wars. I wish I had an ewok as a pet…Anyway…
Time in early-early sobriety moved slower than a three-toed sloth, probably because I was in so much pain; every step was excruciating, and I fought practically every inch of the way. I wish someone had told me sooner that alcoholism is 90% thinking and 10% drinking; maybe it would’ve made those days easier. Probably not. Fighting is inevitably painful and drawn-out whether it be against time, people, or Alcoholics Anonymous.
I have documented almost everyday of sobriety since my first AA meeting, and sometimes when I feel like I’m the same person who walked through the doors 253 days ago; all I have to do is scroll up. Entries in the beginning had a common thread of agonizing resistance, and skepticism that almost took me out one hundred times.
Maybe I read too much Carl Sagon as an undergraduate, but I wanted to question everything about this program. I wanted answers to the reasoning behind all steps and suggestions. I wanted to debunk the theory of AA. This skepticism, coupled with a yearning to bolt back to California made life drag on for a while.
By the grace of my Higher Power, I have stayed long enough to accept what I do not understand. Acceptance has allowed me to let go; letting go let me surrender. The moment I stop resisting the pain starts subsiding. I’ve learned in the rooms that to surrender literally means to go to the winning side; surrender is what has saved my sobriety, it’s given me a life so full I can barely keep up, and an awareness of what I need to keep going.
Time is flying because I have willingness to be a better person tomorrow than I was today. The days are packed because I have accepted that I don’t know much, and there’s a lot more to learn. Today, for example, I have learned that we are in the month of October, which means I must accept that I am approaching my first sober Halloween. Weee. Maybe I’ll dress up as Bill Wilson.
- Oct. 12, 2013 – Step by Step (cmmacneil.typepad.com)