Tag Archives: Step 6

I’m Probably Jealous of Your Blog

I WILL DESTROY YOU TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER RAAAAR

I WILL DESTROY YOU TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER RAAAAR

Day 282

My defects of character are always one step ahead.  By the time I catch up to a situation at hand, the alcoholic part of my brain has already decided how to spring into action, or isolate into oblivion.  Any notions that run on defects, naturally, are not the best.  A fault that hijacks my mind with the force of a Jedi night is jealousy; an emotion anyone with a steam of consciousness is familiar with.

For me, jealousy is the size of Godzilla.  Maybe that’s why they call it the green monster of envy…Anyway, pre AA; there were no tools on how to harness my raging ill will.  My gut reaction was to take the feeling and destroy it by belittling whomever I viewed as a threat.  Unfortunately a lot of the time my first thought is still the same.  Instinctively I want to judge as quickly and harshly as possible, thereby coddling my wounded ego.

Fortunately, now I know how backwards my thinking is, was, and can be. Now, something wonderful happens just before I generate a laundry list of invisible imperfections for someone…I stop.

My bat shit crazy brain comes to a halt, because I know now that the set of instructions I was following for life never worked.  Judgment made me feel shameful, more alone, and dragged me further into the darkest place of my pity partying mind.

Sure, the same feeling of jealousy still bites me in the ass when someone has what I want, whether it be looks, success, family, ambition, slippers, whatever. That’s okay though, because AA has taught me that envy is just fear, and fear is something I’m learning to recognize, face, and erase.

It comes naturally to torment myself that I’ll never have what you have, I’ll never be pretty like her, or happy like him. It’s easy to judge the shit out of you, and assume that you had a leg up that I missed, and therein lies the reason you have what I don’t.

The hard part has been learning that none of those things are true.  The hardest part has been finding the pause button, and following a new set of instructions.

Through powers of example and with the help of my HP, I’m learning to be truly happy for people, and it feels good.  When I ask for envy to be removed, it is–I might have to ask 20 times a day, but it’s becoming easier to redirect defects.

I used to dislike for the sole purpose to make myself feel better, but now I’m doing the exact opposite and finding that is where the solution has been all along.  To commend others for their success and try to help where they fall short breaks down the barrier between everyone and me.   Helping others is what’s made me more confident.

The best thing about my new set of instructions (aka the steps) is that the better I get at following them; the more I have to offer.

Advertisements
Tagged , , ,

Holy Hyperawareness

Image

“Hyperawareness,” best describes Step 6 for this alcoholic.  After spending seven weeks on Steps 4 & 5 with my sponsor, I got my five character defects in return.   Now I am obnoxiously cognizant and wary.  Was I born with greed and attention seeking? Where does my disease start and where do I end?  How interchangeable are the two? I don’t know how defects work, or whether or not as a group we alchy’s and addicts have predispositions to the same defected idiosyncrasies, but I do know which ones have been running my show.  Now I just want them to stop.

I took the whole, “searching and fearless moral inventory,” thing pretty literally.  I’m sure I’m searching a little too far forward and far back, which is probably why I feel like a vulnerable, exposed, creature of chaos.  I feel like Medusa, actually, and all those crazy snakes that live on her head are my defects.  Plus she was kinda crazy, really angry, and hideous; I feel all of these things now that Step 6 has brought such defined character flaws to the surface.

The alcoholic part of my mind tells me I was the last to know about my defects; that I’ve been a walking human deformity forever, and should be embarrassed.  This new hyperawareness has my mind running in circles; when I’m loud, I wonder if it’s because I’m seeking attention or because I’m naturally a boisterous individual, when I buy something I shouldn’t, I beat the crap out of myself for being greedy.  I hounded a lady today because she left her Starbucks table an absolute mess.  “Are you going to clean that up?”  I said more rhetorically than questioningly.

Was that my pride?  Do I have to give up pride?  This is what I mean by hyperaware. Yikes.

The serenity prayer says “grant me the knowledge to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  If I can figure out what those differences are, I’ll be set…

Tagged , , ,