I’ve made friends who have become family in this program. It is spine-chilling.
Tonight my lights went out around 10:00, but restlessness turned them back on at midnight. The “universal” iPhone text notification chirped right as my bulb clicked on and a friend (who is my family) asked if I was still awake. So, SO, glad I was able to say “yes, what’s wrong.”
She was upset to the point that I was out of bed, downstairs, about to rev my truck, and call her sponsor en route. The phone was probably feeling heavy to hold on the other end so I stayed and listened. Thirty-five minutes later, the trepidation subsided. Tomorrow is a new day.
There are certain types of fear I’ve thus far identified throughout recovery (which I may have already mentioned in previous posts); self-centered fear, anger infused fear, irrational fears, projection fears, and one hundred such variations. The fear that floods me when it comes to my friends relapsing is the most real, and the most rational. This is a deadly disease.
I know there are “tools” to deal with these frighteningly feasible thoughts, because we “all” have them. Most of us have seen them come to pass. No solutions to placate my current unease come to mind, which I suppose is why I’m writing.
What is must boil down to is faith…but I gotta admit, “faith” is sounding more like a word, and less like a feeling at the moment.